Angela Merkel's Letter to Santa Claus
Policy + Politics

Angela Merkel's Letter to Santa Claus

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Text of the letter:

Lieber Nikolaus:

Those wasteful, lazy Greeks, Italians, Irish, Portuguese and Spanish are ruining things, and it’s all on me to rescue them. I have a doctorate in physics and wrote my thesis on quantum chemistry, so why am I stuck dealing with these dummkopfs? Playing den mother to all of Europe has really taken all the fun out of being the most powerful woman in the world.

Nikolaus, I am doing my best to see the bright side here: At least the whole mess means I won’t have to deal with that sleazebag Berlusconi anymore – he can go bunga bunga himself – and it gives me a chance to cozy up to Sarkozy. Yes, he’s short and sexist, but he has a certain je ne se quoi. And we have agreed on a rescue plan now. We Germans have a saying that describes it perfectly: erst mistus, dann Christus. I believe in English it would be “first fertilizer, then prayer.” Without your help, I fear for the results. If things get any worse, well, my people are from the north—we’ve sacked Rome once before, and we’ll do it again if we have to.

Here’s what I’d like for Christmas:

  • Cash, and lots of it.
  • The latest David Hasselhoff CD.
  • A visit from the ghost of Christmas past for that Scrooge, David Cameron.
A movie about me starring Meryl Streep.