Text of the letter:
Dear Old Nick:
Hot enough for you down there? I know you're in a lousy mood with Christmas around the corner and all those happy and glorious carols wafting through the air, but this is important. You may remember that I signed your Welfare Protection Pledge in exchange for being a co-author of Newt's Contract with America. And I hope you don't hold it against me that I've commiserated with the Christian Coalition and co-founded the Islamic Free Market Institute. You know these alliances were all about money and marketing and not about religion, per se.
You have to know that I'm on your side. After all, I did follow up with Jack Abramoff as you suggested, and joined the National Rifle Association as well. So, if you can find it in your tail, please grant my wishes:
- A new pitchfork. The wimpy group that signed my Taxpayer Protection Pledge is beginning to crack. We need to keep them in line.
- 1,000 copies of your Ayn Rand primer, signed by you. I'll give them out at —
forgive the word — Christmas. - Bring back government cheese! I know you can do it —
and it will help kill the food stamp program. - Can you give Tom Coburn a few ingrown toenails? Or maybe gout? That might keep him in line instead of challenging my position on no new taxes.
- Finally, can you get those idiots at The Fiscal Times to change my image on their Christmas card?
Yours in Hades,
Grover Norquist