Joe Biden's Letter to Santa Claus
Policy + Politics

Joe Biden's Letter to Santa Claus

Mark Wilson/Getty Images

Text of the letter:

Dear Santa:

How the hell are you? Busier than me, I bet. I know this holiday is a big f---in’ deal for you, but I’ve got a couple of requests. Please don’t overlook them just because I’m No. 2. I know Obama is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, but that doesn’t mean I’m f---in’ chopped liver. In any case, what I want most is good for both of us: four more years. I know I’ve said that Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be veep, but I might still like a shot at the top spot and the best way for me to get it is to hang on for another term. And at the risk of shooting my mouth off yet again – the Big Guy really gets peeved when I do this – I’ll repeat what I’ve said before: These Tea Party folks are really a pain, forcing standoff after standoff with our angelic Reid and Pelosi. Imagine – Congress is even more dysfunctional now than when I was there! So anything you could do on that front would be great. In the meantime, here’s the rest of my holiday wishlist:

  • Renew my membership in the Hair Club for Men.
  • Get The Onion to stop writing about me. Hell, I’ve travelled all over the world representing the administration, and people still just think of me as the guy washing his Pontiac Trans Am on the White House lawn or "cooling his heels" down in Mexico.
  • A Pontiac Trans Am. That stuff in The Onion has actually been pretty funny, and now I really do want one.
  • A microphone and podium. For some reason, my staff keeps hiding mine.

Vice President Joe Biden