Mitt Romney's Letter to Santa Claus
Policy + Politics

Mitt Romney's Letter to Santa Claus

Getty Images/iStockphoto/The Fiscal Times

Text of the letter:

Dear Mr. Claus:

From one warm, cuddly guy to another, Merry Christmas! As a fellow CEO, I’m sure you’re swamped, but if you have some time before January 10, could you remind GOP primary voters that I’m supposed to be the frontrunner? I’m more presidential than Newt or Perry; I have better hair than either of those guys.

For some reason, that hasn’t mattered. This flip-flopper label has become the Bain of my existence. Romneycare, abortion, the stimulus, the auto bailout, hiring illegal immigrants — it's not what you say, it's what you do, right? I bet I'm not the only candidate who has changed his mind. Only this time, I'll make the stakes higher than a measly $10,000. Anyway, all I want for Christmas:

  • A neck brace, because all this flip-flopping has given me whiplash.
  • Where the word “flip-flopper” appears in the dictionary, please remove my name and photo and reinsert John Kerry’s.
  • An Iowa win for Ron Paul.
  • A weed-whacker, so I can slice through small-business regulation.
  • A year's supply of Just for Men hair dye.
  • Three days, four nights in Vegas, plus airfare.
  • Two tickets to “The Book of Mormon” on Broadway.