Newt Gingrich's Letter to Santa Claus
Policy + Politics

Newt Gingrich's Letter to Santa Claus

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Text of the letter:

Dear Santa:

It's been almost a year since you granted me the million-dollar line of credit at Tiffany's I asked for. Problem is, one of your elves blew the whistle on this wish fulfillment, and I've been paying a big price with the media ever since. I can hear it now: If Romney can get skewered over $10,000 bet, I'll be crucified for my measly million when I go up against Obama. Anyway, Santa, as a fellow Republican, I think you owe me.

I bet you're asking yourself if Newt has been naughty or nice, which are the two standards we use as Republicans to decide who gets confirmed, which bills will pass, and whether we want to play in the same sandbox as the Democrats. Well, I can unequivocally say, as an historian, I've been nice. In fact, I've been saint-like, given what I really want to say about my opponents, let alone Obama.

My list, below, is designed to stop the rumor that I'm “The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas."

  • One of those little flashy things from Men in Black, so I can erase the outrageously unfair memories some people have about me.
  • Two round-the world first-class tickets on Emirates airlines, prepaid, taxes included. As we all know, gifts from Santa do not have to be declared to the ethics committee.
  • 500,000 shares of Amazon stock, and a seat on their board. (My 25th book is on the spring list.)
  • A suit that actually fits from Oxxford.
  • A pillbox hat for Callista.

Your faithful servant,

Newt Gingrich

P.S. Can you send a few stock stuffers (I mean stocking stuffers) to my pals at Freddie Mac?