November 29, 2012
Did you know that Barack Obama is on a Vegan diet? Maybe that’s why he served Mitt Romney a specially prepared post Thanksgiving feast when the former Republican presidential contender met with the president over lunch Thursday at the White House.
No cameras were allowed of course, but we used our White House frequent reporter points to get a seat at the children’s table.
President Obama (POTUS): So, Mitt—What are you up to these days?
Mitt Romney (M.R): Frankly, Mr. President, I’m here because I’ve always wanted to work in the White House. You know, Dad would have liked it. That’s my Dad, by the way, not your Dad in Kenya, you know, where you were born. By the way, can I call you Barry?
POTUS: Well, I came across your resume when I was going through these binders of possible candidates for a new cabinet position. In fact, there are three jobs open which might interest you. (And don’t call me Barry.)
M.R: Well, Mr. Obama, tell me more.
POTUS: One position, Mitt, as you’ve probably heard, is Secretary of State. After all your misfires during the campaign, I’ve heard rumors that the Republicans might filibuster your appointment. But let’s hope for the best. Do you think you could fill Hillary’s shoes?
M.R: Gee, I don’t know. We have a lot in common. We both had health care plans; we both lived in a governor’s mansion, and we both ran for president and lost to you. I'm sure I qualify, Mr. O.
POTUS: Ok, do you have any experience in foreign relations?
M.R: When I was head of the 2002 Winter Olympics I worked with every country in the world. Many of the African countries—not yours, of course—had different names back then.
POTUS: Keep it up Mitt, and we won’t even get to dessert. Now, back to your diplomatic skills. Didn't you accuse the British of mismanagement during their Olympics when you visited London?
M.R: They're so touchy. Maybe they're still ticked off about that Churchill thing when you expelled that bust of Winston from the oval office.
POTUS: Well, maybe State isn’t your cup of tea. By the way, Mitt, can I get you a refill? Your water glass is 47 percent empty …. How about Labor? I’m thinking of promoting Hilda Solis. Could you fill her shoes?
M.R: I already speak Hispanish. Zapatos, amigo, Zapatos from Zappos.
POTUS: What would you bring to Labor?
M.R.: You’re singing my tune, Mr. Prez. There’s so much fat in that department. We could outsource most of the department to Bangalore. Also, we could do a leveraged buyout of HUD, break it up, and sell the assets for a chunk of change. This could help you with your ‘cliff’ problem.
POTUS: Perfect—You’re not exactly a ruthless vulture capitalist but you're close enough to be our business Czar -- a very important new post I'm eager to fill. You could reinvent Detroit, jumpstart employment, make international deals—the whole enchilada.
M.R.: Great, what’s my compensation package, including long-term incentives?
POTUS: Whoa, We’re getting ahead of ourselves, Mitt. First I need to see your last 10 years of tax returns….
M.R.: If I give those to you, Barry, is there room for advancement?
For a full transcript of the entire job interview, please send the following to The Fiscal Times, 712 Fifth Avenue, NY, NY 10019. $100 if you make over $250,000 a year, $50 if your household income is between $125,000 and $200,000 and you have one child with no possibility of having more, $25 if you’re single and go clubbing and put everything on your Visa card, and $1 if you’re poor and on food stamps or if you’re Warren Buffett.