If You Prefer Death to Taxes, Skip to Line 10
Life + Money

If You Prefer Death to Taxes, Skip to Line 10


Your taxes are due on April 18.

1. If you have finished your taxes but are not entirely happy about a) the results or b) the process, enter the Amount Of Unhappiness (AOH) on Line 1.

To see if you qualify for partial unhappiness credits, see Partial Unhappiness Worksheet on Page 25.

2. If you have finished your taxes but are not entirely happy AND you are anxious about an audit, skip to Line 4 and enter the square root of your Combined Unhappiness and Anxiety (CUA).
Caution. Do not include unhappiness OR anxiety incurred by a co-head of household or co-dependent, if you are married but filing separately, or separate but filing jointly, or have a short-term CUA carryover from 2009.)

3. Is the amount on Line 4 larger or the same as the amount on Line 1 minus the figure you would have entered on Line 2?

If the answer is:
*Yes. Skip to Line 8, but do not ignore Line 3. Be sure to attach psychiatric records.
*No. STOP right here and multiply Line 1 by 85% and enter on Line 5. Then multiply Line 1 by 15% and enter on Line 6. Add Lines 5 and 6, and enter the result on Line 7. If Line 1 and Line 7 are lesser or greater than one another, refer to Publication 7459-K, Basic Math for Exceptionally Gifted Taxpayers. If Line 1 and Line 7 are the same, nice job.

4. Enter the amount from Schedule Q, line 69, purchase price (before taxes), excluding any income from Puerto Rico or disasters in the Midwest, on Line 9. Skip if you have had a colonoscopy in 2010.

5. Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about. If you think, that’s what it’s all about, proceed to Line 10, but only if the amount “all” is equal or greater than Line 8.

(Note: If you are filing the EZ return, you are in the wrong tax form. Skip everything above and go to the Paperwork Reduction Act Worksheet on Page 38. Enter on Line 11 of the EZ form, the amount from Line 137 of the Paperwork Reduction Act Worksheet. Be sure to save all paperwork and make several copies for your records.)

6. If you are married and filing jointly, and have a working spouse but not a working fireplace, and at least one dependent born before Jan. 1, 2011 but not before the Johnstown Flood, enter the amount of Gross Adjusted Cumulative Strife (GACS), on Line 10.

7. Subtract Page 38 from Page 40 of the Paperwork Reduction Act Worksheet. If the answer is Page 0 or less, go back to Line 1 and start again.

Bonus question: If your total number of exemptions is less than five but more than three, AND evenly divisible by a primary number, how many exemptions do you have?

8. Add column f of Lines 1, 2b, 3k, 6 and 7, and 10 and enter on Line 11. Exceptions: If you do not have a dependent whose first name begins with a vowel or does not contain a diphthong, do not include the amount on Line 3k. Omit Line 2b if you live in a state that contains at least one Major League baseball team but no more than two Major League baseball teams, assuming one of them is a pre-expansion franchise.

(Note: For tax purposes, the Pittsburgh Pirates are considered a Major League team.)

9. Enter the amount from Line 11 on Schedule A, “Itemized Deductions,” Line 10, Casualty and Theft Losses, then review instructions in Tax Publication 605-K, Estimated Prison Sentences for Illegally Claimed Tax Deductions.
10. Be sure to review your tax form before submitting.

Caution: If you prefer death to taxes, you must file a late return within 90 days of your death.