In an unprecedented move from the world’s most sought-after fugitive, Edward Snowden has released his terms for returning to the United States to face espionage charges to The Fiscal Times. His surprise communication was delivered by FedEx to our D.C. offices just minutes before the unofficial start of the July 4th holiday weekend.
Days after the first stories on the PRISM surveillance program were published, Snowden outed himself as the source. Since then, he's continued to leak other information, while heralding his courage to do so. Forget the debate over surveillance. Snowden’s message—regardless of his intentions—has become: “It’s time to talk about me.”
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By EDWARD SNOWDEN, American Patriot and World All-Star
My fellow Americans,
On the occasion of our nation’s 237th birthday, I would like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention someone great. Someone brave. Someone noble. Someone who has saved our beloved Republic from a deceptive, overreaching government.
Me.
If you haven’t heard (you’ve heard) I single-handedly exposed to the world the government’s largest and most secretive surveillance program in the history of the United States. Nathan Hale had but one life to give for his country. But I took four laptop computers with classified information to Hong Kong for mine.
America, you’re welcome.
I left my job and my pole-dancing acrobat girlfriend with only the shirt on my back to expose state secrets through several esteemed news outlets – I did that for you. When that provoked retaliation by the federal government, I then offered that same information to my Chinese hosts in exchange for asylum. But if China respects anything, it is requests made by U.S. government officials.
And now, I’m spending my second consecutive week sitting in an airport lounge in Moscow waiting for some country such as Ecuador that respects the principles of 1776 to offer me a new homeland.
The Obama administration has blocked my asylum requests. Even though the president claims he would not scramble jets for a 29-year old hacker, he eagerly rescinded my passport and grounded a plane carrying Bolivian government officials.
Today is about celebrating our country’s freedoms and values. So in that spirit, I propose the following: I, the honorable yet persecuted Edward Snowden, will agree to return to the United States if you meet the following demands.
1. The Internet. I can’t survive without the Internet. Preferably with a Google Fiber connection, even though that has only been built in Kansas City .
2. An Xbox. And not the 360. I want the one that comes out next Christmas.
3. A room at the Waldorf Towers. It has an impeccable minibar.
4. Yankees season tickets. And not the crappy first base ones. I want first row, third base. If there’s an upgrade to the skybox, I wouldn’t turn it down.
5. A cameo in the next Bond movie. Richard Branson got one, even though he has never worked for the CIA.
6. My old job’s salary in bitcoins.
7. I miss my girlfriend. Find her and bring her to me , along with two firehouse-style poles.
8. For my trial, I can pick a jury of my peers from an anime message board.
9. A guarantee that I will only be found guilty of patriotism.
10. Drop the sexual assault charges against my buddy Julian Assange
11. A weekly radio show (in drive time) in which I can explain to the public why what I did makes me a hero .
12. All the pizza, sausage and chicken wings I can eat.
13. Everyone must subscribe to The Guardian. They have treated me with respect, while other outlets have not. How dare anyone question my motives – can you believe some have called me a spy? I’m not a spy, but an educated expert on civil liberties. Make sure all newsrooms get the memo.
14. A first-class ticket back home.
I’ll be waiting for your response here in that part of the Moscow airport that Russia said is not a part of Russia. (Come to think of it, if this isn’t Russia, why haven’t you sent just sent the FBI in to detain me? Wait. Never mind. Ignore that.) And come on, you know I have your cell number.
You know where to find me. Do the right thing, President Obama. America needs its hero back.
Yours truly,
Edward Snowden
