What Obama Said to Romney Over Lunch
Policy + Politics

What Obama Said to Romney Over Lunch

Reuters/Michael Reynolds

Did you know that Barack Obama is on a Vegan diet?  Maybe that’s why he served Mitt Romney a specially prepared post Thanksgiving feast when the former Republican presidential contender met with the president over lunch Thursday at the White House. 
No cameras were allowed of course, but we used our White House frequent reporter points to get a seat at the children’s table. 


President Obama (POTUS):  So, Mitt—What are you up to these days?
Mitt Romney (M.R):  Frankly, Mr. President, I’m here because I’ve been trying to get a job in the White House for years.  You know, Dad would have liked it.  That’s my Dad, by the way, not your Dad in Kenya, you know,  where The Donald says you were born.  By the way, can I call you Barry?

POTUS:  Well, I came across your resume when I was going through these binders of possible candidates for a new cabinet position.  In fact, there are three jobs open which might interest you.  (And don’t call me Barry.)
M.R:  Well, Mr. Obama, tell me more. 

POTUS:  One position, Mitt, as you’ve probably heard, is Secretary of State.  After all your misfires during the campaign, I’ve heard rumors that the Republicans might filibuster your appointment. But let’s hope for the best. Do you think you could fill Hillary’s shoes? 
M.R:  Gee, I don’t know. We have a lot in common.  We both had health care plans; we both lived in a a governor’s mansion, and we both ran for president and lost to you. But I’m more of a home boy, if you know what I mean, Mr. O.

POTUS:  Ok, do you have any experience in foreign relations? 
M.R:  When I was head of the 2002 Winter Olympics I worked with every country in the world. Many of the African countries—not yours, of course—had different names back then.

POTUS: Keep it up Mitt, and we won’t even get to dessert.  How did you get along with England?
M.R:  Those officious drunken nincompoops!  Just because they talk good, we’re all supposed genuflect at their altar.

POTUS:  Well, maybe State isn’t your cup of tea.  By the way, Mitt, can I get you a refill?  Your water glass is 47 percent empty ….  How about Labor?  I’m thinking of promoting Hilda Solis.  Could you fill her shoes?
M.R:  Zapatos, amigo, Zapatos.  I'm working on my Hispanish.

POTUS:  What would you bring to Labor?
M.R.:  You’re singing my tune, Mr. Prez.  There’s so much fat in that department.  We can save a fortune if we outsource the back-office administrative services to Bangalore.  Also, we could do a leveraged buyout of HUD, break it up, and sell the assets for a chunk of change.  This could help you with your ‘cliff’ problem.

POTUS:  Perfect—You’re exactly the kind of ruthless vulture capitalist that we need to fill a very important new post – Business Czar.  You would have a chance to reinvent Detroit, jumpstart employment, make international deals—the whole enchilada. 
M.R.:  Great, what’s my compensation package, including long-term incentives?

POTUS:  Whoa, We’re getting ahead of ourselves, Mitt.  First I need to see your last 10 years of tax returns….
M.R.:  If I give those to you, Barry, is there room for advancement?

For a full transcript of the entire job interview, please send the following to The Fiscal Times, 712 Fifth Avenue, NY, NY 10019.  $100 if you make over $250,000 a year, $50 if your household income is between $125,000 and $200,000 and you have one child with no possibility of having more, $25 if you’re single and go clubbing and put everything on your Visa card, and $1 if you’re poor and on food stamps or if you’re Warren Buffett.