Why I’m Throwing My Hat Into the VP Ring – for Either Candidate
Election 2016

Why I’m Throwing My Hat Into the VP Ring – for Either Candidate

Reuters/The Fiscal Times

With 56 percent of Americans believing Hillary Clinton should have been indicted for her improper handling of sensitive emails, and Donald Trump still holding a 61 percent “unfavorable” rating, it’s time for me to step in.

I’m offering either candidate a chance to choose me as their squeaky clean vice presidential running mate — someone with no political baggage and no skeletons in the closet of my one-bedroom apartment. I’m their best chance to whitewash their wrongdoings and clean up their acts.

Related: 20 Donald Trump Vice President Picks

The pundits and political-party pros have it all wrong – all wrong.

They’re not thinking outside their limos.

I’m the guy – yes, me – who should be tapped for the vice presidency.

Never heard of me?  So what?  On the name-recognition scale, mine wouldn’t budge the needle that would be locked in place, at zero. I’m a blank-slate as to political engagement – a genuine tabula rasa in the public mind and opinion polls.

Related: Top Picks for Hillary Clinton's Vice President

My credentials:

  • I have never given money to any political candidate or political party or political action committee. 
  • For the longest time, my tax returns have been prepared by H&R Block – using the standard deduction.  (No tax credits, no capital gains, no loss-carry-forwards, no offshore accounts, no tax havens or shell companies, no oil-and-gas partnerships, no private foundations.)
  • My one-bedroom apartment is in an ungated community, which is probably unlike any of the neighborhoods that other veep hopefuls call home.
  • I do my own laundry and buy my own food, so I know a little something about the price of groceries.

Related: Six Choices for Trump’s VP With Military Cred

  • As to utility bills and doctors’ bills and car-repair bills, I write the checks and make the online payments.
  •  Unlike many members of Congress, I have never overdrawn my bank account.
  • I wore an Army ROTC uniform on the University of Pennsylvania campus in the 1960s, and was mocked, ridiculed and condemned, even though I was against the Vietnam War.
  • As a volunteer, I have helped veterans with their coursework and job applications – and their letters to the VA detailing inattention and neglect. 
  • I pump regular octane into my 1993 Volvo (320,000 miles, and counting). In those days, Volvos weren’t made in America, so that could cost me.

Related: Why Candidates Need the CIA, NSA and Their Mother to Vet Their Veep

  • I have taught English, poli-sci, civics, and other courses in a Connecticut prison and in a maximum-security New York state prison, and taught developmenta” English composition courses at two community colleges.
  • When I visit my kids in California, I fly coach.
  • I do not have a smart-phone.  I can’t (and wouldn’t) take a selfie on my flip phone.
  • I do not have a Facebook page, never tweeted or LinkedIn (or Out, if that’s possible).
  • I spent some time in the Middle East in the early 1980s, but not as part of a VIP junket or official delegation.  No escorted tours.  No state dinners.
  • I am pretty good about recycling.
  • I am not at all inclined to attend politically-tinged parades, picnics, street fairs, county fairs and the like, especially where the local edibles all come on a stick. But, then again, eating for free – I suppose I could get used to that.  

Related: Gingrich, Christie Lead Trump List of Vice Presidential Options

  • My pledge is to term-limit myself: While I very much look forward to taking up residence at Number One Observatory Circle, I will vacate the premises after my four-year incumbency. However, I will be pleased to enjoy a $5 million transition budget that should cover my move-out expenses, as well as Secret Service protection. And then there’s the pension and free healthcare for life – Yowza!
  • My vice presidential papers will be immediately available.  I have never written an autobiography or memoir, but I would entertain the possibility. Are we talking about a seven-figure advance?  I guess I could be persuaded to fire up the laptop – for the good of the country and posterity. 
  • As to post-vice-presidency life, I would expect to do a lot of fishing. But then, as a public service, I would lend my recently acquired expertise to a Wall Street firm or a hedge fund. As a public service, of course.
  • Having learned the ways of Washington, it would be incumbent upon me to make speeches, right?  Now about those fees….