With 56 percent of Americans believing Hillary Clinton should have been indicted for her improper handling of sensitive emails, and Donald Trump still holding a 61 percent “unfavorable” rating, it’s time for me to step in.
I’m offering either candidate a chance to choose me as their squeaky clean vice presidential running mate — someone with no political baggage and no skeletons in the closet of my one-bedroom apartment. I’m their best chance to whitewash their wrongdoings and clean up their acts.
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The pundits and political-party pros have it all wrong – all wrong.
They’re not thinking outside their limos.
I’m the guy – yes, me – who should be tapped for the vice presidency.
Never heard of me? So what? On the name-recognition scale, mine wouldn’t budge the needle that would be locked in place, at zero. I’m a blank-slate as to political engagement – a genuine tabula rasa in the public mind and opinion polls.
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My credentials:
- I have never given money to any political candidate or political party or political action committee.
- For the longest time, my tax returns have been prepared by H&R Block – using the standard deduction. (No tax credits, no capital gains, no loss-carry-forwards, no offshore accounts, no tax havens or shell companies, no oil-and-gas partnerships, no private foundations.)
- My one-bedroom apartment is in an ungated community, which is probably unlike any of the neighborhoods that other veep hopefuls call home.
- I do my own laundry and buy my own food, so I know a little something about the price of groceries.
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- As to utility bills and doctors’ bills and car-repair bills, I write the checks and make the online payments.
- Unlike many members of Congress, I have never overdrawn my bank account.
- I wore an Army ROTC uniform on the University of Pennsylvania campus in the 1960s, and was mocked, ridiculed and condemned, even though I was against the Vietnam War.
- As a volunteer, I have helped veterans with their coursework and job applications – and their letters to the VA detailing inattention and neglect.
- I pump regular octane into my 1993 Volvo (320,000 miles, and counting). In those days, Volvos weren’t made in America, so that could cost me.
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- I have taught English, poli-sci, civics, and other courses in a Connecticut prison and in a maximum-security New York state prison, and taught developmenta” English composition courses at two community colleges.
- When I visit my kids in California, I fly coach.
- I do not have a smart-phone. I can’t (and wouldn’t) take a selfie on my flip phone.
- I do not have a Facebook page, never tweeted or LinkedIn (or Out, if that’s possible).
- I spent some time in the Middle East in the early 1980s, but not as part of a VIP junket or official delegation. No escorted tours. No state dinners.
- I am pretty good about recycling.
- I am not at all inclined to attend politically-tinged parades, picnics, street fairs, county fairs and the like, especially where the local edibles all come on a stick. But, then again, eating for free – I suppose I could get used to that.
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- My pledge is to term-limit myself: While I very much look forward to taking up residence at Number One Observatory Circle, I will vacate the premises after my four-year incumbency. However, I will be pleased to enjoy a $5 million transition budget that should cover my move-out expenses, as well as Secret Service protection. And then there’s the pension and free healthcare for life – Yowza!
- My vice presidential papers will be immediately available. I have never written an autobiography or memoir, but I would entertain the possibility. Are we talking about a seven-figure advance? I guess I could be persuaded to fire up the laptop – for the good of the country and posterity.
- As to post-vice-presidency life, I would expect to do a lot of fishing. But then, as a public service, I would lend my recently acquired expertise to a Wall Street firm or a hedge fund. As a public service, of course.
- Having learned the ways of Washington, it would be incumbent upon me to make speeches, right? Now about those fees….
