“Britain will send two troop-carrying Chinook helicopters and new surface-to-air missile system to the Falkland Islands, amid fears Russia could be arming the Argentine government.” – The Telegraph Newspaper, March 24.
“Attention London: Crimea has far more reason to be in Russia than the Falklands have to be part of Great Britain.” – Alexei Pushkov, head of the Russian parliament’s Foreign Affairs Committee, via Twitter.
Scene: Late at night in the Saturday Night Live writers’ room. The show’s head writer is pacing anxiously around a conference table strewn with empty take-out containers, beer bottles and coffee cups. One staff writer reclines in his office chair. Another sits with his head face-down on the table.
Okay seriously. Less than 24 hours before show time, and we’ve got no cold open. Nobody goes home until we figure this out.
Writer 1 leans back in his chair and groans, but says nothing. Suddenly, the door opens and a much younger man, carrying a tray of Starbucks coffee cups, bustles into the room.
Here’s the coffee. So listen, this is nuts but it turns out the U.K. is re-arming the Falkland Islands in case Putin decides to help Argentina invade them again.
Nice try kid. Did you remember the two sugars in mine?
Wait, no. I like this. It’s perfect. The Rock is hosting this week. We put him in a bald wig and dress him up as Putin.
Harried Intern (puzzled):
No, no, seriously. Putin is sending bombers to Argent—
Quiet, kid. Okay…Okay, maybe this could work. Say we open with him, shirtless, of course. He’s wrestling…I don’t know...a tiger or something. At the same time he’s on the phone with the President of Argentina –
Who the Hell’s the president of Argentina?
Harried Intern (looking at his iPhone):
Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.
Yeah, yeah. That works. So Putin’s on the phone with this Kirchner, telling her to invade the Falklands again –
Writer 2’s head suddenly rises from the table. He’s plainly just woken up.
Falklands?....Gotta have O’Reilly.
Love it. We have Bill O’Reilly – I’m thinking Bobby Moynihan – on the phone to Roger Ailes telling him Argentina has just invaded. He’s demanding that Fox News send him down to the Falklands to report on the invasion. We have him screaming about his credentials as a war correspondent.
Good, good. We throw in some B-roll of missile strikes and stuff…
Yes. I like it. Then we cut back to O’Reilly. He’s doing a live shot for Fox, “from the war zone” in a helmet and bullet-proof vest, from underneath the bed in his hotel room in Buenos Aires.
Can we work a loofah into it?
Okay, so how about we close by cutting back to Moscow. Putin, in his office in the Kremlin, stroking a white cat in his lap while watching coverage of the second Falklands war. “Yes Rasputin,” he says to the cat. “Everything’s going according to plan.” Then, “Live, from New York, It’s – “
Harried Intern (Excitedly):
Wait, wait! Okay, so if we’re really going to do this, let’s end by cutting back to Russia, maybe to a news report covering the unveiling of a new statue of Putin, dressed as a Roman Emperor, while an adoring crowd cheers.
Head Writer (kindly):
Kid, look. You got lucky with the Falklands thing. But Putin as a Roman Emperor? That’s too much.
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